Nothing Is Happening

A live tracker of the political news cycle, producing exactly as much substance as it appears to.

TIME REMAINING UNTIL THE NEXT PRIME MINISTER'S QUESTIONS
00:00:00
Nothing depends on this number reaching zero. It will happen anyway.

PM APPROVAL: STAGNANT |PUBLIC HOPE: CRITICAL LOW |CABINET RESHUFFLE: PENDING DISAPPOINTMENT |ECONOMY: STILL ON FIRE |OPPOSITION MORALE: UNCHANGED |BACKBENCH GRUMBLING: ELEVATED |WESTMINSTER BUBBLE: INTACT |NEXT ANNOUNCEMENT: ANOTHER ANNOUNCEMENT |VOTER TRUST: RUNNING ON FUMES |SPIN CYCLE: FULL |NATIONAL MOOD: RESIGNED |MEDIA CYCLE: SELF-SUSTAINING |POLICY U-TURN: SCHEDULED, NOT YET ANNOUNCED |PRESS RELEASE: CONTAINS NO NEW INFORMATION |PM APPROVAL: STAGNANT |PUBLIC HOPE: CRITICAL LOW |CABINET RESHUFFLE: PENDING DISAPPOINTMENT |ECONOMY: STILL ON FIRE |OPPOSITION MORALE: UNCHANGED |BACKBENCH GRUMBLING: ELEVATED |WESTMINSTER BUBBLE: INTACT |NEXT ANNOUNCEMENT: ANOTHER ANNOUNCEMENT |VOTER TRUST: RUNNING ON FUMES |SPIN CYCLE: FULL |NATIONAL MOOD: RESIGNED |MEDIA CYCLE: SELF-SUSTAINING |POLICY U-TURN: SCHEDULED, NOT YET ANNOUNCED |PRESS RELEASE: CONTAINS NO NEW INFORMATION 

LIVE UPDATES [SATIRE — NOT A REAL LIVE BLOG]
47A minister was sighted entering the building. The building did not comment.
00A minister was sighted entering No. 10. We can confirm they were wearing a suit.
15An unnamed source confirms the minister is "thinking very hard" about their new role.
30No decisions have been made. Nothing has changed.
52A special adviser was seen carrying a folder. Contents unknown. Folder appeared unremarkable.
10A journalist asked a question. It was not answered. This was expected.
34A spokesperson said the government would “set out more detail in due course.” Due course remains undefined.
58Lunch occurred. No further comment.
20A backbencher tweeted something. It was deleted forty minutes later. Nobody noticed until now.
05A review has been announced into a previous review. Terms of reference to follow.